Advice for Employees

Whatever it is that hits the fan; it will not be evenly distributed.

Snappy lines for the office

• Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
• I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
• I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
• I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
• File that under "Never".
• I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself.
• It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
• The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
• Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
• I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
• I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
• I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
• I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
• And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
• If I throw a stick, will you leave?
• How do I set a laser printer to stun?
• Do I look like a people person?
• I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
• Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
• I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
• I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
• I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
• It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
• Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
• Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
• Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
• Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
• This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
• A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
• Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
• I thought I wanted a career but it turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Keep quiet and listen:

A sales rep, an administrative clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it, and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" said the administrative clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" said the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life."

Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Also:

• Beginning Engineers Checklist