Advice

"Many receive advice, few profit by it." --Publilius Syrus (~100 BC), Maxims

"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five hundred." -- The Mahabharata.

Some have minds like rock: Their thoughts can be damaged by an angry blow and they will retain the marks for all to see even after a long time.
Some minds are like sand: They also give way and carry a violent message but these marks pass quickly from their thoughts.
Some minds have thoughts like letters written on running water: they let abuse pass by unnoticed and do not carry uncomfortable gossip, their minds are always pure and undisturbed.

"Do as you please, but harm none"

The Four F's: Fail, First, Fast, Fix

Specific Advice

Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

In general

Or was that:
Dance like it hurts.
Love like you need money.
Work when people are watching.
Thanks Dilbert!

Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody's watching.
Don't believe all you hear.
Don't spend all you have.
Don't sleep all you want.
Dream big.
Be intollerant only of intollerance, kill only killers, impead only destruction.
Perfection is the enemy of good.
You shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are WAY more screwed up than you think.
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, Champagne in one hand - strawberries in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming WOO HOO - What Ride!
Happiness is so easy to get and it's the only thing anyone really wants. All our other desires, which we think will bring us happiness, are really just distracting us from that one goal. Try this: Just say "I'm really, really happy!" for about 30 minutes, over and over. Try different variations of that phrase that mean the same thing. As you repeat it, start trying to see yourself as being happy. Not for any reason, just strangly being happy. At the end of the time, ask yourself if you aren't noticebly happier. Then ask yourself what other activity you could have wasted that time on?
Have as much fun as you can without screwing up your chances to have fun tomorrow.
"Insurance is an ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table." - Ambrose Bierce
Never give yourself a haircut after 3 alcoholic beverages
one good turn... gets most of the blankets.
You need only 2 tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD- 40. If it moves and it shouldn't, use the duct tape.
The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right".
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's warm.
The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was: "Go! You might meet somebody!".
If he/she says you are too good for them -believe it and leave. Find someone who doesn't think you are good enough and work to convince them otherwise.
Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One day?"
Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have been given another chance.
Living really well is the best revenge. Being miserable just because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
Work is good, but it's not more important than you and your family.
Be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you're going to need them to empty your bedpan.
Be Happy:
- Laugh regularly, its like jogging on the inside.
- Smiling is contagous.
- Whatever you do, DON'T think of yourself as an organic pain collector racing toward oblivion. You aren't thinking that are you? Well don't blame me, I told you not to!
Have fun
- Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
- At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. Watch them slow down.
- Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
- Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
- Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in."
- Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
- In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
- Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
- Dont use any punctuation marks
- As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
- Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
- Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
- Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
- Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard <yourname>.
- When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3rd time this week!!!!!"
- Tell your children over dinner, "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
Get Excited:
- If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
- The things that come to those who wait are what's left behind by those who got there first.
- You must care or you won't try, and you must try so that you can fail, and you must fail so you can learn and you must learn so you can reliable succeed.
Be Greatfull
- The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
Be Tollerant
- Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
Be Generous:
- Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
- If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
- Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
- He who loses money, loses much; He, who loses a friend, loses much more; He, who loses faith, loses all.
- "It was a disservice to the universe to cheat everyone of your talents. And if you were at your wit's end, thinking you had nothing to offer, it was essential to cultivate value within yourself in order to move forward. In order to live beyond existence. In order to turn your pain into something beautiful.” - Fran Seen
- "Everyone wants more than anything to be allowed into someone else's most secret self. Everyone wants to allow someone into their most secret self. Everyone feels so alone inside that their deepest wish is for someone to know their secret being, because then they are alone no longer. Don't we all long for this?" - Aidan Chambers, This is All: The Pillow Book of Cordelia Kenn
- “The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away.” - Pablo Picasso
Be persistant
- Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's acorn that held its ground.
- If you can't solve a problem, then there is an easier problem you can solve: go find it. ~ George Pólya
Don't Lie:
- If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
- Sincerity is the key; once you can fake that, you've got it made!
Don't worry
- ..., it only seems kinky the first time.
- It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Be carefull
Watch your thoughts; They become words.
Watch your words; They become actions.
Watch your actions; They become habits.
Watch your habits; They become character.
Watch your character; It becomes your destiny.
Frank Outlaw
- Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
- Talk slowly but think quickly
- Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
- Don't squat with your spurs on.
Be patient:
- Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a raindance.
- Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you're a mile away and you have his shoes.
- Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
- Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
- "Diaper spelled backwards is Repaid. Think about it." -- Marshall McLuhan
Be quite:
- A closed mouth gathers no feet.
- It is far better to remain silent and appear a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt
- Never miss a good chance to shut up.
- No one is listening until you make a mistake.
- When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
- Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
- It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
- Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people.
Be Humble
- Most 12 step program require that one admit that you are powerless over the problem and that only "a power greater than me/you" can help. Some non-religious people have a very hard time with this. But notice, if you are one person, is it not true that two or 5 or 100 other people are "a power greater than you?" Can your god not be the rest of humanity? What about forces of nature? Are you more powerfull than that? Accepting this fact has helped many good people gain the perspective required to live.
- When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
- When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it. Crow is best eaten fresh.
- When you lose, don't lose the lesson
Love yourself:
- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
- If you are married, immediatly forget everything you do wrong: There is no point in two people remembering the same thing.
- Don't compare yourself to others. Everyone else is doing that for you and spending time on it is just distracting you from improveing yourself.
- You never get mad at anyone other than: Yourself. Anger is guilt with someone elses face pasted on it.
- Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent; but don't underestimate how often we all are, in fact, incompetent.
- Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. It just may not be worth it.
Get better
- Bad habits cause 99% of all human misery. Be devoted to improving yours.
- Start with the man in the mirror
- Lead by example
Eleanor Roosevelt wrote:
- Many people will walk in and out of your life, But only true friends will leave footprints in your heart
- To handle yourself, use your head; To handle others, use your heart.
- Anger is only one letter short of danger
- If someone betrays you once, it is his fault; If he betrays you twice, it is your fault.
- Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people.
- He who loses money, loses much; He, who loses a friend, loses much more; He, who loses faith, loses all.
- Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, But beautiful old people are works of art.
- Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
- Friends, you and me....You brought another friend.... And then there were 3.... We started our group.... Our circle of friends.... And like that circle.... There is no beginning or end....
- Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift.

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

...about cats

Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
Yes, all the worderful things a cat does can be explained by simple behavioural science; that does not change the fact that my cat loves me.
For me, the perfect woman would behave just like a cat. Able to care for herself, clean and dainty, loves to be stroked, puts her butt in the air whenever I scratch her back.
Cleaning:
Subject: Instructions on how to clean your toilet
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely, The Dog

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake. Screw up early and get it over with. Then present your ideas as questions and they will have you right where you want them. +